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“The depth of the feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it…I would discover that it hadn't washed me away.” – Don’t know who said that, but that is what is making me go another step.

Coping with loss is one of the most difficult tasks one has at hand, and no one really understand what you are feeling. You will have well meaning relative / friends telling you that you need to move on. Only you know how difficult it is to take that extra step.

I recently lost a baby due to miscarriage. I had the doctor to the radiologist explain that I am one of the 20% ladies who go through this in their first trimester. My solace of my loss should come with the safety of numbers.

I think what my well meaning and kind doctor (who probably sees patients like me every day) was trying to say that miscarriages happen so often, it’s almost normal.  For me it’s the first time and I don’t want it happening again to anyone else as well. Numbers or frequency of a mishap doesn’t make it normal or help me put my sense of loss in perspective.  My heart goes out the 20% of the couple who is going though what we are now. But not many talk about it; it’s a silent mourning that we go through.

I really wish the hospital has put me through a helpline where women are like me has gone through this – as I feel that people who hasn’t doesn’t really get the depth of our loss. At times I find it so difficult to accept how life around me is going on so smoothly when ours has stopped.

Often I have seen that among the people who knew about the miscarriage said something consoling to me and not my husband… is it to suggest that my grief is stronger than his? It’s not and it helps a lot when we share exactly what we are feeling.

When you accept this in medical terms it is easy to accept – nowhere is it mentioned that it was a baby – the hospital paper states “products of pregnancy”.  Doctors said – “It really wasn’t a baby yet” or “You hardly even knew you were pregnant.” “It’s good it happened at an early stage.” “You are healthy you can try again.”

I have been told that it wasn’t a baby just a foetus that wasn’t strong enough.  I am a mother, no matter what a doctor tells me, I know I had a baby inside me that isn’t there anymore. There was a heartbeat, there was a life and so miscarriage means death. This isn’t that same as when I lost a grandparent, then my grief was out in open.  In case of a miscarriage there is no stipulated mourning period, no funeral. Nothing outwards to show that anything actually happened. I am just expected to move on with life.

 It’s probably the worst kind of loss as couple go through this usually in private as we don’t want to discuss about it. I lost a baby. Rather we lost a baby, and it really dropped me into a hell of despair that I didn’t think I can even move and yet I am among people pretending that everything is normal.

When you are pregnant or otherwise –miscarriage is like a taboo topic that we don’t talk about. We don’t even tell people about the pregnancy in the first trimester as it might jinx it. I feel, having gone through a loss like this people should talk about it. Just ignoring that fact that miscarriages happen, won’t make them go away.

It’s been a few weeks since my miscarriage and how am I coping with it.

Simple – Keeping it private – sharing my grief with my husband who understands it best. Since I already have a child, I have hope. Whenever I feel that I can’t breadth anymore as it hurts so much, I write about what I am feeling. Most of the time keeping myself busy with work. Just having a good cry as every now and then when I least expect it … it hits me like a train wreck.

What I really want to do – hide somewhere and hope and pray that this pain goes away and I feel normal again. But I know I can’t or shouldn’t as it won’t solve anything. I have to learn to live with this loss. I have people in my life who depend on me and love me. It will break them to see me this way as in the end, it doesn’t matter what we wanted or what we lost. What matters is what we chose to do with the things we have.

 

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