“The depth of the feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it…I would discover that it hadn't washed me away.” – Don’t know who said that, but that is what is making me go another step.
Coping with loss is one of the most difficult tasks one has at hand, and no one really understand what you are feeling. You will have well meaning relative / friends telling you that you need to move on. Only you know how difficult it is to take that extra step.
I recently lost a baby due to miscarriage. I had the doctor to the radiologist explain that I am one of the 20% ladies who go through this in their first trimester. My solace of my loss should come with the safety of numbers.
I think what my well meaning and kind doctor (who probably sees patients like me every day) was trying to say that miscarriages happen so often, it’s almost normal. For me it’s the first time and I don’t want it happening again to anyone else as well. Numbers or frequency of a mishap doesn’t make it normal or help me put my sense of loss in perspective. My heart goes out the 20% of the couple who is going though what we are now. But not many talk about it; it’s a silent mourning that we go through.
I really wish the hospital has put me through a helpline where women are like me has gone through this – as I feel that people who hasn’t doesn’t really get the depth of our loss. At times I find it so difficult to accept how life around me is going on so smoothly when ours has stopped.
Often I have seen that among the people who knew about the miscarriage said something consoling to me and not my husband… is it to suggest that my grief is stronger than his? It’s not and it helps a lot when we share exactly what we are feeling.
When you accept this in medical terms it is easy to accept – nowhere is it mentioned that it was a baby – the hospital paper states “products of pregnancy”. Doctors said – “It really wasn’t a baby yet” or “You hardly even knew you were pregnant.” “It’s good it happened at an early stage.” “You are healthy you can try again.”
I have been told that it wasn’t a baby just a foetus that wasn’t strong enough. I am a mother, no matter what a doctor tells me, I know I had a baby inside me that isn’t there anymore. There was a heartbeat, there was a life and so miscarriage means death. This isn’t that same as when I lost a grandparent, then my grief was out in open. In case of a miscarriage there is no stipulated mourning period, no funeral. Nothing outwards to show that anything actually happened. I am just expected to move on with life.
It’s probably the worst kind of loss as couple go through this usually in private as we don’t want to discuss about it. I lost a baby. Rather we lost a baby, and it really dropped me into a hell of despair that I didn’t think I can even move and yet I am among people pretending that everything is normal.
When you are pregnant or otherwise –miscarriage is like a taboo topic that we don’t talk about. We don’t even tell people about the pregnancy in the first trimester as it might jinx it. I feel, having gone through a loss like this people should talk about it. Just ignoring that fact that miscarriages happen, won’t make them go away.
It’s been a few weeks since my miscarriage and how am I coping with it.
Simple – Keeping it private – sharing my grief with my husband who understands it best. Since I already have a child, I have hope. Whenever I feel that I can’t breadth anymore as it hurts so much, I write about what I am feeling. Most of the time keeping myself busy with work. Just having a good cry as every now and then when I least expect it … it hits me like a train wreck.
What I really want to do – hide somewhere and hope and pray that this pain goes away and I feel normal again. But I know I can’t or shouldn’t as it won’t solve anything. I have to learn to live with this loss. I have people in my life who depend on me and love me. It will break them to see me this way as in the end, it doesn’t matter what we wanted or what we lost. What matters is what we chose to do with the things we have.
Dear Anonymous,
I understand the pain that you must have gone through and are going through. Writing this couldn’t have been an easy task either. Having gone through something similar I’m not sure if the pain ever goes away, what does happen is that it fades with time.
I also relate to when you say somehow the husbands are never consoled. Is their pain any lesser simply because they physically do not go through it. Having said that we each need to deal with the grief and pain in our own way.
Here’s hoping you find the strength and courage to look ahead.
From one fellow mom to another.
Dear Anonymous,
If I could go back in time to see the me who lost a baby, the best advice I'd give, that I never got, would be "Share. Talk about it." Talk about it, write about it, to friends, parents, people who love you and your husband. The pain will dull with time – and sharing.
My doctor who was also a great counsellor, told us to try again as soon as medically advisable and it helped. I understand your pain, and probably shock and the doc's advice (I was shocked too, but it helped.)
Wishing you all the best.
A baby is a baby whether at a week, 6 weeks or a healthy newborn. Only the parents can feel his/her presence and unfortunate absence. But you have taken the right step by talking about it and sharing your feelings. With some friends I know who experienced the same they created their own ritual for mourning, they named the unborn baby, wrote beautiful eulogy for the baby, said prayers at the church and grieved as much as they wanted. This will help you as a catharsis, I am not saying it will take away the pain but it will bring you closure for sure. Take care.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your grief with us. Like you, I too already have one child and recently experienced two miscarriages in a row. I will be praying for you and your husband – it is a difficult time and you are right to grieve. I would encourage you to do something to memorialize this little babe that you lost. For example, we named the two little ones we lost, wrote a letter to the baby and included some mementos (the ultrasound picture, a colored picture from our daughter, a family picture of us) and have stored it away in our memories box. Other friends I know have had necklaces or bracelets made with a tiny heart or tiny hand prints or footprints, just as a rememberance. Your baby was a sweet, special little person (despite what the doctors might say!), and it is OK (good) for you to both grieve and celebrate this little one you never got to meet! There was a website recommended to me called mend.org – it offers support and resources. Though it is based in the US, they are willing to send you any requested resources or their newsletter. There are other online resources like http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk that have a lot of good information available. I find these websites so encouraging because it helped me realize I wasn't alone and that my grief was not silly, as some doctors had suggested to me. But just a note of caution – you can make yourself a little crazy reading all the what-ifs and potential problems on these sites – so I would suggest reading these sites for encouragement and community, not necessarily trying to figure out what might have happened and what the future might hold. Prayers, Karisa
Having gone through this myself when I had conceived for the first time I can completely relate to how you feel. The moment you find out you are pregnant, the baby begins to exist – not just in your body, but in your heart, thoughts and becomes a part of your life. Every big small decision that you make thereafter is made keeping her in consideration. That's why it feels like death when you lose it, no matter what the doctor says.
Losing our unborn child was the most painful thing for me and my husband. We saw our life turn 180 degrees in a matter of few weeks. In the short time that we had our baby we saw a thousand dreams for her, and then our world came crashing down. We mourned together and alone. I used to cry hard at times when he wasn't around because I didn't want to upset him further and I am sure he had a coping mechanism of his own. I took a week off from work and didn't want to talk to many people about it except for my closest friends because I feared I may break down at a sympathetic look or a kind word.
Couple of months after the miscarriage, one day a thunderstorm blew away a nest of pigeons that had taken residence in our balcony. We saw broken eggs and 2 pigeons sitting on the railing, cooing sadly. Whether the coos were actually sad or it just felt to us I don't know, but we felt so much grief at the sight that we held each other and cried for a long while mourning the loss of a little life again.
The same time next year I was 7 months along and praying everyday for my baby's safety. My LO is 15 months now and has filled our life with immense joys, yet I cant help but think about the child I lost every once in a while.
Dear Anonymous, it is not an easy time but this shall also pass. Share with hubby and friends or pour it out on paper, just don't keep it bottled up. Be strong and have faith that tomorrow will be a better day. Leave the rest to time and God.
Hugs!
I wish to thank everyone who wrote such kind words and shared their experience with me. I have also written a letter to my child that never came and now moving on with life. I don't want to forget what happened, nor do i want to hold on to my grief. Just looking forward to great things life has to offer !