To,
All mothers-in-law,
World over.
From,
A daughter-in-law
Dear Mothers-in-law,
Enough and more has been written and said about mothers-in-law, movies, especially the ones made in India, portray your tribe to be evil, scheming, conniving, and outright deceitful. I would like to think otherwise. You have raised such a wonderful man in your son, so I would like to believe that deep down you are as wonderful as wonderful can be.
Change is the only constant. If every mother-in-law remembers this, what a wonderful world it could be out there. Yes, your son was very fond of that dish you used to make for him, but he isn’t its biggest fan today. Yes, your son hated eating that vegetable, but maybe, just maybe he likes the way I make it. Yes, your son loved his bed coffee, but there are other things that occupy his mornings now. Yes, the middle hair parting suited your son when he was 11 years old, but he is triple that age now, and no, the middle parting is not cool. Yes, your son loved potatoes deep fried and soaking in oil, but the rising cholesterol levels tell a different tale. Yes, your son loved to sleep through his Sundays, but other responsibilities beckon him now. Yes, your son loved the comedy genre of movies, but he also enjoys some heavy duty drama. It’s time to let go of that invisible cord, dear mother-in-law.
What was it about the kitchen that made the blood boil, I wondered. If someone were to offer to cook for me, I would happily open my kitchen to them or so I thought before I was married and managed my own house. Post-marriage, I seem to have become rather territorial about it. Usually a rather late riser, I ensure I wake up well before the household is abuzz just so that I get into my kitchen and start the day. Perhaps there is some magnetic pull that does this. Being told how, when, and at what temperature the son would like his coffee isn’t a pleasant morning conversation and yet mothers-in-law seem to do just that. Dear mother-in-law, in the few years of living with your son, I think I have managed to get atleast this right. So please stop telling me how to serve coffee. You have your space dear mother-in-law, let the daughter-in-law have hers.
Yes, I agree that raising a child is an art. But given that you have mastered the art, don’t you think you should let your daughter-in-law dabble in the art herself, without much intervention. Running behind the child with a bowl of food isn’t always the most effective way of feeding. Giving in to all their demands when they howl isn’t a good parenting technique. Letting them stay up way past their bedtime doesn’t help them the next morning in any way. Indulging them with ice-creams and other treats on a regular basis will just lead to a bad tummy and decaying teeth. Not giving in to all their demands does not make me a bad mother, dear mother-in-law. Having a routine and following it doesn’t make me an army general. You’ve been there done that, dear mother-in-law, give your daughter-in-law a chance to say the same.
You’ve lived the life of a wife, daughter-in-law, and mother, and no one better than you would know what all you felt as you handled each role. Now is the chance for your daughter-in-law to live it the way you would have ideally wanted it to be. Give her a chance to be half as good as you are.
Yours’ truly,
A daughter-in-law
Love it Darling!
Very Well Said and Presented!
Congrats!
Could not have agreed more. Well said.
Very well written! It says it all – its just how we feel. But, as a daughter-in-law I wonder what is the thought behind my mum-in-law's interventions at every other thing that I do. May be there is something pisitive to it too which we generally do not realize.
Would love to hear a mother-in-law writing her side as well for us to better understand the relationship – 3 years and I'm still clueless!! 🙂
Hey very nicely written,but every coin has two sides………..I agree wid subhangi,let’s hear it from a mother-in-law………and discussion tht follows would be very interesting…….so here it will be:
Daughter in law side story
Mother in law story and
Actual story or perspective……
The grass is always green the other side…….
Yes, how I wish we could hear the other side of the story too to create a balance…
I've been throug many stages with my MIL, first it was admiration for the wonderful son she had made of my husband, this was pre-child and living together in a joint family. She was more liberal than my mother was and very supportive with my career aspirations, erratic travel schedules and late nights at work or party!. She never tried to be possessive of her son, but its only human to reminiscent of old memories, which I think daughter-in-laws often mistake or read into too much. ( you will realise this as you mature with your child)
Then while setting up my own domestic set-up far from home , she guided helped and gave some very useful tips. Things did change a bit, when I was trying to mark my territory, my kitchen, my home, my way of doing things. It's the natural animal instinct in all of us, all animals mark their territories, Things got worse when I was pregnant with my first child, hormones, living away from family everything takes a toll. You become a different person and it shows in everything you do. I did rubbish what they said and took more to books, internet and friends. Then when my son was born it was worse, " leave us alone" I would want to scream, " I know how to take care of my baby, your wisdom is obsolete", I'm not sure they heard this, cos my mind was loud but my mouth was not.
And then when your child grows when the hormones settle, when you get more time and sleep you begin to reflect on yourself, how you have changed from a girl to a mother, how you would be when your child grows old, et all and a new respect is born for the MIL. Mutual respect grows and we both learnt to co-exist very well. I have nothing to complain about my MIL. I did please her on a few small things without questioning, when it comes to love and family its better not to rationalise everything. It gave her immense joy – the joy of small things.
My respect for my mother grew multi fold the day I delivered my son, it just took a little while longer for the same respect to happen for the MIL. I respect their wisdom, experience is more important than literacy, it doesnt hurt to learn from their experience. And most of all I value them as grandparents. I feel blessed to have grown up with grandparents, though my mom was not very happy with her MIL around. Like I read somehwere, grandparents are as important as vitamins in a childs life, and I love the granparents for that.NO one is perfect, so why is the MIL any exception. Learn to live with the differences – I just learnt to let go.
I must say that my husband played a very important, neutral, unbiased role in helping this relationship with my MIL bond well. He just stayed out of it and let us figure it out.
Your article is very well written and humurous.
Very well thought and written . In some ways I felt I was reading my thoughts . I also liked kavitha's take on it especially the part where she talks about the husband's role . If the husband is understanding then half the problem solved ,yet we all know how these mamma's boys were raised and I don't mean it in a nice fond manner 🙂 patience helps and the mantra that I was raised better than to indulge in saas-Bahu drama helped me sail through so far . Fingers crossed for the future too .
I also agree with Kavitha. Time and patience play a vital role in every relationship. I feel, everyone should provide proper space when a newly-weds come in home… to better understand and realise new changes in life. Daughter-in-laws also should try to see their mother in face of MILs, as at a same issue if mother interrupts girl simply deny, "Oh Mom! please try to understand….", but if a MIL utter a single word… don't leave this golden opportunity to make an issue in the family…
Please read mine one too:
http://girlbehind-thenextdoor.blogspot.in/2013/11/open-letter-to-all-mils.html
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